Dang. Just got back from a whirlwind trip through El Salvador, Nicaragua and Honduras. And apologies in advance but this one's gonna be long. Left Xela on the 22nd and spent the night in gringoed-out Antigua for some sushi and douchey cocktails. Next morning we putzed around the city before hopping on a bus to Guate to book the trip for San Salvador the following day. Got a hold of Kristen (thank Jesus) who lives in the capital and she offered us her place to crash for the night. She was coming back from the lake so we had some time to kill. Naturally, we headed to the mall. The malls in Guate are not typical of Guatemalan life. For starters, there's a rollercoaster inside. We sat down for some quite frankly unreal Korean food (cooked by a verifiable Korean lady...is that correct English? Donno. I swear I'm forgetting it.) Then to kill more time, what did we do? Yeah. Went to Chuck E. Cheese's and dicked around for an hour or so. Oh to be young and innocent again.
Got the text from Kristen and headed to her place in the hills. OMG. It's nicer than every place I've ever lived in combined. Like real luxury. Crashed there and then woke up early for the bus to San Salvador. Aside from the Tica Bus employees being ginormous cunts, the trip went smoothly. Made it to San Salvador where I felt the most scared I've been in all of Central America. Also found it weird that they use the USD there. Got the hell out of dodge ASAP and took a bus to El Tunco, probably the most gringo place in all of El Salvador. I mean they have a gluten-free organic granola and smoothie bar.
Spent a couple days chilling on the beach. The town sleeps pretty early but luckily our tequila lady stayed up to serve us shots from her house, ensuring we kept the party going. After 1.5 days we got the itch and bounced. Took a handful of buses to a small nothing town, Utatlan. Got off the bus starving so naturally headed to Wendy's. Every one of the approximately 50 people stopped eating, turned around and stared at us. I suppose 4 dirty white people with backpacks was a bit of a shock. Nice to feel like an alien again.
After my double bacon cheeseburger (sorry doc, but i swear i've otherwise been keeping an eye on the cholesterol) we tried to catch a cab to a beach town but the dude said it'd cost $50!! No gracias hombre. So we hopped on the last bus outta town only to find out that there were no more buses from our transit point that night. Which I suppose made sense since it's generally pretty ill-advised to be on the road once the sun goes down.
Well turd. So we went alllll the way to San Miguel, the second largest city in El Salvador. We spent the night in a $16/night hotel/motel that is typically frequented by hookers and drug dealers. Well at least as evidenced by the other clientele. Needless to say we didn't leave the room that night.
Awoke at sunrise and bussed it to El Cuco, a town of about 200 people on the beach. Had a nice typical bfast of beans, fried eggs and queso with a side of oh yeah, shrimp the size of my hand. Then started sussing out a place to stay. The first "hotel" looked like a Thai crack den. No lights, the shower was just a tap in the corner of the room, etc. No thanks mano, I gave up crack a long time ago. I want better accommodations.
So I talked to the lovely restaurant owner about other options and she directed us to La Tortuga, down the beach about 5km. And what a beach. Sweeping 210 degree views of the ocean, endless black sand and only local artesanal fishermen to share the beach with. A 45 min walk down the beach and we were in complete solitude. Found La Tortuga and were greeted by fresh coconuts. Holy testicle Tuesday the place was nice. Like an actual resort in the middle of nowhere. Hammocks galore, pool, awesome cafe, turtle nesting beds and a live tank with newly hatched turtles. Tom, the owner, is an eccentric, no, completely insane ex-pat from New York. He even has a local show, "Viajeros de El Salvador" which we had some guest appearances on planting turtle eggs and releasing baby Leatherbacks. He speaks "Spanish" during the show which kept me laughing the entire time. Not only does he have a overly stereotypical gringo accent, but it's just piss poor! Literally he was saying stuff like "We he freedom turtles and he we make happiness from sand and sun because I to be foreigner." Oh right, and his "girlfriend" is 40 years younger and doesn't speak English. True love my friends.
Lounged for a bit in the morning and then hitchhiked back into down with la nena and bought cana rica, like a more smooth version of vodka made with sugar cane. And no, the locals insisted it was not rum but vodka. A fifth runs for $3 so we partied hardy that night. Being the hairy-chested epitome of a man that I am, made a bonfire and we took the party to the beach...god the sky was just full of stars.
Now in Central America many people poach turtle eggs, selling them to local markets and orange juice vendors. A lot of people actually Rocky it and crack raw eggs into their OJ in the morning. And yes, like in most developing countries people believe that odd foods make them more virile. So obvi I started striking convos with the poachers patrolling the beach in search of nesting turtles and offered to buy all their eggs if/when they found any. Continued partying til God knows when and then put la chica to bed when she passed out (as usual). Then Randy burst into the room needing money. A poacher had just shown up with 126 eggs! These bad boys are destined for the ocean, not some cholo's OJ I thought. Bought em all. Brought the eggs back to the room and started getting ready for bed. Then the security guard knocked on the door. Oh God. What now. Opened la puerta. Another poacher had just shown up. Well why not. Bought his lot too.
Woke up hungover the next am with ~200 turtle eggs next to the bed. Now I've woken up after a crazy night partying next to some pretty interesting creatures but turtle eggs were a first. Planted the eggs, went on a lovely EDM-fueled run to the estuary then hitched a ride to town for more booze and seafood in a shack on the beach.
We started partying with the other group staying at La Tortuga, a group of Aussie surfer bums traveling the world. They were having a coke-alicious bender that was gonna climax with a visit to the whorehouse in San Miguel (yes, doble sentido). So I thought to myself, que putas no, I've done worse so why not try it (blow not whores). Hopped onboard the party train and we all had quite a time partying in the living room/bungalow at La Tortuga. Honestly though, that'll probably be the last time I do it. Glad I tried it, but kinda feels like child's play compared to my old days.
So we partied til the sunrise, which I mean just look at the pictures. Simply ridic. And as anytime that you're coming down from an upper kids, always make sure you have a substantial amount of weed close by. So smoked a couple of fatties with the bros as the sun crept out of the ocean. Promptly passed out after and then got out of bed at 3pm.
Couple of days of later headed to Nicaragua. Rode about an hour through the hills to the dead port town of La Union, walked out on the tidal flats and then caught a 4 hour boat ride over to Potosi, Nicaragua. Immigration has to handle about 10 people daily so naturally the guy's a huge dickhead. It took him a bit over an hour to handle our "paperwork" but after a ton of attitude from him we finally got through. I mean WTF bro, you really have an issue with the fact that we don't know the name of Guatemala's airport? Eat a dick dude.
Arrived in Leon and spent a few days wandering around town, cooking good food, etc. While the kiddies went out volcano boarding, took Ailsa out for round two. A farewell if you will. Now again, kids, when a man (much like myself) takes a girl out in a developing country he will often ask around for the most luxurious, expensive restaurant and then apologize to the girl saying "oh sorry, this is the best I could do in a place like this, etc.". Yeah, no. I might not have hair on my chest but at least I act like I do. Took out la nena on a street food crawl around Leon. First stop - atole stand. Typically it's a corn/rice based drink but this was more of a sweet pudding with brown sugar. Second stop - tiny hole in the wall where we shared a plate of ground beef slow-cooked with onions and baby corn with a side of red beans. Kinda had a nice creole feeling to it. Then we kept wandering and eventually found ourselves in a giant market. Walked up to a food stand and offered a custom plate of everything that looked good. Meat torta, sautéed ground pork, spicy shredded pork slaw. Money. And then finished the crawl with a piece of cheesecake and a scratchie lotto ticket.
Went out that night to celebrate our last night together and Hallllloweeen. Dressed up as mummy's because well, we're poor and on the road. So we just wrapped ourselves in toilet paper. Partied, danced, etc. then passed out around 2am.
530am alarm. Kill me. Woke up wasted. Said goodbye to Ailsa and Randypants and then got on a bus for Honduras with Jenn. Was pretty worried because my CA-4 visa had already expired but frankly too hungover and tired to care. I was eating uncooked ramen noodles as I waited for the bus for godsakes.
Got to the border, got some food, the carne asada I'm pretty sure was horse jerky (sorry I gave you that plate Jenn!) and then got across the border no prob. Thank Jesus (hay-zeus). Got to Tegucigalpa, la capital, and asked for a bus to the remote area of Gracias. Found out we would have to fly from Tegu so said f that and continued on to San Pedro Sula, the lovely murder capital of the world. Spent a quick night in the hotel and took the bus for Copan the next day. Saw the Mayan ruins (Tikal's better), rode in a Tuk-Tuk and took it easy. Wasn't really planning on drinking but since it's a tiny town with not a whole lot to do, we spent the afternoon on the sauce. Struck up a convo with a guy over street food who said I HAD to go to this local German brewery. The only naturally-brewed beer in Central America. So found it and met the owner, an awesome German dude that married a local chick 15 years ago. He does in fact follow Bavarian brew law. Best beer I've had in lemme count, oh right, 6 months, since I've been in CA.
The next day we took a horseback ride through the mountains around Copan which turned out to be quite fun though I felt bad for the poor bastard that had to carry me up those slopes. Made it up to a lookout point in this tiny town of people living on nothing. They swarmed us so Jenn threw a few bills their way. Came back to town and had some lunch. A small boy tried to sell us these little corn husk dolls they have everywhere. No, sorry. Then I watched as he walked up to a local family (rich one) eating lunch. The fat patriarch didn't even have the decency to say no thanks. In fact the whole family treated the kid like he was some dog. Especially odd was seeing how the family's kid, around the same age, acted like the boy was subhuman. The dad was such a prick I wanted to slice off his fat stomach and fry it in front of him. But then again I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer so I didn't think about it tooo much.
After lunch took a ride out into the jungle to soak in some hot springs. OMG, we were in the middle of the jungle, like really. A couple dozen pools including a steam bath, waterfall back massage and all natural mud spa/bath. So nice and soooo worth it. Came back from the hot springs and saw the same kid peddling dolls on the way to dinner. Started talking to him. It was 7pm and he hadn't eaten that day. He lives 2 miles away and walks to town to sell the dolls while his parents work in the park selling other crafts. His 7 brothers and sisters do the same. So I invited him to dinner. He's 8 years old but looks more like 5 or 6. Kept feeding him until he said no mas porfa. You know, it does wear on you when you're dicking around on perpetual vacation and you meet people like that.
Woke up at 530am yesterday, took a bus to the border. Got a fresh 90 days on my passport (woohoo!) and then bussed back to Xela. Had some chicharrones and other assorted treats along the way but all in all uneventful. Back home and back to work for the last two weeks in Guatemala.
Made plans for the next 6 or so months of my life so wanted to give an update. Gonna be SF in for a few weeks in December (rollllllnrave!!) then driving down through Mexico with Alby (yes, the nutter from Oz I was with in Vietnam). Then traveling back up through Mexico with Alby, kicking it in LA for a couple weeks then doing SE Asia with la nena before flying to London to meet Alby for the Mongol Rally. After that, solo dios sabe. Nos vemos pronto amigos.
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